


turn it on when they're all gone

by plingo_kat



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: M/M, Multi, Pseudo-Incest, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-18 16:55:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18254000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plingo_kat/pseuds/plingo_kat
Summary: This is the third goddamn time this week. Five seethes silently, uncomfortably hard in his fuckinguniform shorts, in his miserably hormonal teenage body that springs an erection at every bit of innocuous stimulus. And this stimulus? Isn’t at all innocuous.





	turn it on when they're all gone

**Author's Note:**

> whatever. i'm claiming this. it's fine. please do not support actual cp, etc.
> 
> [kink meme fill](https://umbrellakink.dreamwidth.org/284.html?thread=13596#cmt13596): "Five might be a master assassin but he's also a virgin stuck in his teenage body. He's not stupid, though. He sees what Klaus and Diego have started getting up to. Little does he know Klaus and Diego are letting him 'stumble upon' them on purpose ... what's one more voyeuristic brother when the world is ending, right?"

This is the third goddamn time this week. Five seethes silently, uncomfortably hard in his fucking _uniform shorts_ , in his miserably hormonal teenage body that springs an erection at every bit of innocuous stimulus. And this stimulus? Isn’t at all innocuous.

“Fuck,” Klaus says breathlessly, low but not low enough. “Fuck, Diego, c’mon, get up here, c’mon--”

There’s no reason for Five to still be there. He could have -- should have -- jumped away by now, back to a safer part of the house or his own room to take care of his inconvenient boner. It’s his own prurient interest that keeps him stuck in place, listening to two of his brothers fuck. Leaning forward just the slightest bit to catch a glimpse of the wet slide of Diego’s mouth over the long slim line of Klaus’ dick, the way Klaus’ fingers clench in the shoulders of Diego’s black sweater. Diego rubs his body all along Klaus’ as he stands, rumbling something into Klaus’ ear and laughing as Klaus swears at him. Five is so hard he’s sweating.

When Klaus starts to turn his head toward the door, he jumps.

*

Honestly, Klaus isn’t sure why he was ever apprehensive about telling Diego about his... everything. And look! It wasn’t his fault that the first time they slept together, Ben happened to be present. He didn’t _mean_ to make Ben a voyeur, or to involve Diego in an unknowing threesome situation. It just kind of happened.

Luckily Diego was understanding. Or maybe he didn’t believe Klaus. Either way, he didn’t kick him out of bed, so he’s counting it as a success.

And. Who knew Diego could be so kinky.

“Is he watching?” Diego breathes into Klaus’ ear, and Klaus shudders. His hands are fisted in Diego’s shirt, pulling the fabric up over his hips to reveal the smooth skin beneath. “Seeing you fall apart for me?”

“Yeah,” Klaus gasps. “Yeah, yeah, c’mon, hurry up and fuck me, I want your dick, want--”

Diego cuts him off with a kiss. Klaus moans gratefully and sucks on his tongue, grinding against the thigh Diego has between his legs, the fabric of his skirt catching on the wet tip of his cock. He feels like the top of his head is going to come off, like his heart will beat out of his chest if Diego doesn’t fuck him _immediately_.

Ben’s eyes are hot and half-lidded from where he leans against the wall, across the room. When Diego pulls back, Klaus flicks his gaze over.

“Uh-uh.” Diego catching his chin in his hand. “Look at me. You want to put on a good show, don’t you?”

Klaus nods, wordless. He whines when Diego tugs his skirt down over his thighs, catching on his cock before it springs free of the elastic to slap against his stomach.

“Bend over.” Diego’s voice is a low rumble in his chest. There’s something like awe in his face. “Show us how much you want it.”

Jesus. Klaus sucks his bottom lip between and lets Diego go with reluctance, turning to kneel on the bed. The skirt falls to the floor. He spreads his thighs and gets down onto his elbows, a flush of belated shame heating his face. It’s a vulnerable position. Exposed.

He yells when Diego spreads him and puts his mouth -- his _tongue_ \-- oh jesus, oh god, he can’t, he _can’t_ \--

Diego eats him out until he’s crying, until he's sloppy and wet and begging for dick, fucking him with his tongue and letting his teeth graze the rim. By the time Klaus comes, stuffed full and staring blindly at the ceiling as Diego jolts his body with every ruthless thrust, he’s nearly forgotten about the ghost in the room.

Only. That’s not the end of it.

“Uh,” Klaus says, fidgeting.

“Oh boy,” Diego says. He crosses his arms over his chest. “What did you do this time.”

“Hey!” Klaus says, indignant. “Who says I did anything?”

“You always do something,” Diego says.

“I will be the better man here and ignore your baseless accusations,” Klaus sniffs. “Because I have something important to tell you.”

“What.”

“You remember, uh, last night?”

Judging by the smug smirk, Diego does.

“Asshole.” Diego continues to look smug. “Look, I forgot to tell you until now, but I think, uh. I think Five walked in on us.”

The smirk falls off Diego’s face. “What.”

“I mean, I’m not. Sure? It just think I saw him. Or, you know, saw him teleport.”

“Five. Our brother, Five? Who’s _thirteen?"_

“Technically, he’s older than us. As he likes to remind us. Constantly.”

“He looks thirteen.” Diego drags a hand over his face. “Why are you telling me this.”

“I thought. You’d want to know?”

“You thought I’d want to know that another one of our brothers is a goddamn voyeur.”

“Hey, it’s not Ben’s fault he can’t participate.” Klaus gestures at Ben and pouts. Ben glares at him.

“Please tell me you don’t want to involve Five in this.”

Klaus stays silent, guiltily.

“Of course you fucking do.”

“Okay, okay.” Klaus steps closer to Diego, imploring “Just hear me out, okay? Diego?”

There’s a long moment where Diego stares at him, poised on the edge of flight. But in the end he sighs and grips Klaus’ elbows.

“All right. Talk.”

“He’s so pent up.” Klaus gestures, movement restricted with Diego’s hands on his arms. “It’s not healthy. And he’s been alone for such a long time, he needs... connection.”

“And you think the way to make him _less_ pent up is to have sex in front of him.”

“I mean, it worked for you?” Klaus yelps, laughing as Diego tries to slap the back of his head. “Hey, no! I’m serious, he’s so maladjusted, do you think he’ll accept us trying to talk to him? We’ve got to trick him into it.”

“There are other ways to do that.”

“That we already know will work? In the next couple of days, given that we might all be dead soon?”

That gives Diego pause. His face screws up like he’s trying to think of a good counter-argument, but in the end he sighs. “I don’t know how you talk me into these things.”

“Just remember he’s older than he looks.”

Diego cradles his head in his hands. “Our family is so fucked up.”

“Oh, I know.” Klaus pats him on the back. “I know.”

*

After that, it really isn’t that hard to execute Klaus’ plan. When Five is in the building they go at it in areas he frequents, just concealed enough that it could be a coincidence that Five catches them. Five gets more snappish as time passes, although it’s unclear whether that’s because the apocalypse is looming nearer or because he’s just really horny.

And then. When Klaus is on his knees, Diego’s hand tangled in his hair, Diego looks up and catches Five’s gaze.

They both freeze, eyes wide. Then Klaus moans whorishly and tries to take Diego in further with a wet, sloppy suck, and Diego can’t stop his chin from lifting as his hips twitch, eyelids fluttering. By the time he looks again Five is gone.

*

“Hey.” Diego corners Five in the kitchen after midnight, the two most adjusted to being night owls. Five has a full mug of coffee in his hand. “We need to talk.”

“Do we.” Five takes an obnoxiously loud slurp of his coffee.

“Come on, Five. We both know what happened yesterday.”

“Yes, we do.” Five sounds dangerously mild. “I notice that you seemed suspiciously unruffled by my presence. Almost as if you knew I was there.”

Diego winces. “I didn’t.”

“But?”

“But... It wasn’t a huge surprise.” Diego shakes his head and mutters under his breath. “Damn it, Klaus.”

“Ahh.” Five closes his eyes. “Of course it was that imbecile’s idea.”

“Hey. He’s your brother.”

“Which doesn’t negate the fact that he’s an idiot.”

Diego shrugs, and they smirk at each other for a moment, united in assholery. Then Five sobers. “I expected better from you though, Number Two.”

“Diego,” he corrects automatically, then shakes his head. “No, don’t distract me. Let me explain.”

“All right.” Five leans against the counter and crosses one ankle over the other. “I’m listening.”

“It...” Diego trails off. Runs a hand through his hair. “You’ve been alone for a long time.”

“A condition which I long for more with every passing moment,” Five drawls. “Get to the point.”

“Klaus thought -- we thought -- you might...” Diego gestures helplessly.

“Let me guess. Our brother convinced you that I was a fumbling virgin that needed the experienced touch of, oh, himself, and roped you into some elaborate scheme to feed into his desire to be watched. And you went along with it, because you can’t think with anything but your dick when he bats his eyes at you.”

Diego opens his mouth and closes it again. “You’re not really wrong.”

“At least you’re aware of your own stupidity.” Five drains the last of his coffee. “Well. I’m glad we had this talk.”

Diego is very aware from the tone of Five’s voice that he absolutely isn’t glad. Before he leaves, he grasps Five’s shoulder. “Hey.”

Five goes very still and looks at Diego out of the corner of his eye. “What.”

“I’m sorry. But I -- both Klaus and I -- we care about you, okay? You’ve been tense, recently. On edge. We want to help. And if that means, uh. You know. We’ll do--yeah. If you want.”

“That was nearly worse than your stutter,” Five observes. He softens a little when Diego flinches. “Thanks for the offer.”

Then he disappears.

Diego spends several moments staring at the empty air where his brother used to be before heaving a sigh, tilting his head up to stare at the ceiling.

“Yeah, that could have gone better.”

*

“It’s ridiculous,” Five says to Delores, stripping off his blazer and tie. He pulls a sleeping shirt out of the dresser and throws it on the bed. “As if I need sex to function. I lived my whole life without it.”

He hangs up the blazer in his closet.

“Oh yeah? It could have been my choice. I did leave the apocalypse eventually, you know.”

He unbuttons his shirt.

“Of course I was busy. But we did get downtime.”

Folds it.

“Sure, I wasn’t going through puberty. That has nothing to do with anything.”

Pulls on the sleep shirt, then looks down at his shorts.

“...Oh. Yeah. Sorry, Diego touched me, and-- I don’t have to justify my bodily functions to you.”

“Yes, that was rude, I apologize. Uh, here. Turn around.”

He picks her up and turns her to face the wall.

“Thanks, Delores.”

After he gets in bed, he jerks off twice before going to sleep.

*

“For god’s sake!” Diego and Klaus both yelp, attempting to scramble upright and instead falling off the couch to land in a tangle on the floor. “We _just_ had a conversation about this--”

“What?” Klaus interrupts, head popping up like a groundhog’s. Diego shakes his own head frantically behind him, too late. “A conversation happened? When?”

Diego slumps back, defeated.

“Last night,” Five says. “Diego found me.”

“Oh?” Klaus turns speculative eyes on Diego, then on a patch of air next to them both. “What do you think?”

A pause, and then he laughs. “Yeah, we’re absolutely fucked up.” He wriggles a little on top of Diego, who grunts. “So? You want to join in?”

Five blinks. Looks between them. “Really.”

“Yeah?” Klaus looks back, head cocked.

“I would have thought there would be some sort of moral objection, given--” he gestures at himself.

“Diego had a minor freak out, but Ben and I get it.” Klaus leans back with a hand on Diego’s chest, who wheezes as he takes Klaus’ weight. “It’s what’s inside that matters, not what you look like.”

“...Ben.”

“You didn’t tell him about Ben?” Klaus twists to look at Diego, who’s brain seems to finally come back online. He surges up and dumps Klaus on his back.

“Figured I’d leave that to you,” he says, glancing at Five. “Klaus says he can see Ben. But they need to stay close, otherwise it’s hard for Ben to find his way back.”

Five swallows. “Ah. I see.” Damn puberty. Klaus and Diego are nearly naked, acres of tanned and pale skin on display, hair a mess, lips red and wet. Also, they’re hard. He can’t stop staring.

“Nobody but me can see him anyway,” Klaus says, still sprawled on the floor. He stretches a little, which brings attention to the shift of muscle under his skin, the flush high on his chest and the thin line of hair which trails down toward his hips. “Don’t worry about it, little bro.”

Five’s eyes narrow. “I’m older than you.”

“See?” Klaus smirks at Diego.

“Shut up.” Diego covers his eyes, massaging the bridge of his nose. “Five. Just. Get over here or get out.”

Five becomes aware that he’s hard, his palms clammy. God damn it. “Fine. Klaus. On the couch.”

He chooses Klaus because Klaus seems more receptive, but his eyes are wide as he scrambles up onto the couch. Five jumps into his lap, knees on both sides of his thighs, and Klaus inhales sharply. He opens his mouth, undoubtedly to say something asinine, and Five kisses him.

They weren’t wrong when they guessed that he was a virgin. He grew old in the apocalypse, and when the Commission picked him up there were more important things to focus on than having sex. Just like now, but back then he didn’t have hormones wreaking havoc in a teenaged body.

So he’s not practiced at kissing, but it seems simple enough. He mimics the way Klaus moves his mouth, his tongue. Sucks on his lower lip. Klaus’ hands are big and warm on his back, even through the uniform jacket, and his cock is a hard line he can feel beneath his ass. When they break apart, he’s panting.

“Okay,” Klaus says, grinding up into him. “This is actually less weird than I thought it would be.”

“Speak for yourself.” When Five twists around to look, Diego has a hand clamped tight around his eyes.

“If it bothers you so much, leave,” Five suggests. “Klaus can deal with the consequences of his own actions.”

“Yeah,” Klaus drawls. “Leave me alone to have sex with somebody else in peace, Di-e-go.”

Diego growls, and Five only has a moment to admire how much a little shit Klaus can be before he’s nudged aside. Diego kisses Klaus like he wants to eat him, deep and messy. Five can feel Klaus react underneath him, traces his fingers along the straining line of Klaus’ throat to feel more. Klaus whines and grips his hips.

“You aren’t getting rid of me,” Diego rumbles, nipping at the point of Klaus’ jaw, and _Five_ shivers. Okay, that’s new.

“Great.” His voice comes out breathless and he clears his throat. “Great. Klaus. Strip.”

They both pause to blink at him, and he raises his eyebrows. He can feel that his face is flushed, cock hard and wet against the insides of his boxers, but he can still pull off a haughty expression.

“Now.”

Klaus and Diego exchange another look before Diego lets him go, helping Klaus pull his underwear off his legs given that Five is still in his lap. He wraps an experimental hand around Klaus’ length, fingers barely able to fit around him, and pumps. He rubs his thumb at the head on the upstroke just how he likes it on himself. Klaus makes a short, bitten off noise.

“Good.” He smiles, satisfied, and arches his back to rub the aching length of himself on Klaus’ bare thigh as he strokes him off. Although, he’s kind of curious...

“Hold him still for me, would you?” Without waiting for Diego’s acknowledgement, he bends down to lick. Klaus yelps and bucks, restrained by Diego’s frantic grab. Huh. Nearly the same as himself, maybe a little more bitter, a little more chemical. He guesses that makes sense, given Klaus’ drug habit.

Klaus doesn’t come when he does, although he does make a small whimpering noise as Five’s hand tightens around him almost punishingly tight. Five kisses him once more on the mouth, hard, and then slides off him to stand by the couch. His underwear is uncomfortably damp.

“Thanks,” he says vaguely. “Let’s never do this again.”

Then he jumps to his room. He’s going to have to get himself off a couple more times, then change and get to work. The apocalypse waits for no one.

**Author's Note:**

> plingokat @ twitter


End file.
